Traumaversary
by madchilla
Summary: It's been one year since Levi was attacked. Things have changed for the worst. Continuation of "Only You"


Trigger warning for s**elf harm and suicide mention**

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><p>Eren awoke to an empty bed. Not that it was an unusual occurrence, considering he often slept in much later than Levi, but it wasn't supposed to happen that morning. Eren set an alarm for far earlier than he normally did, even during the week when he worked, so he would be there, completely conscious when Levi woke up.<p>

But the bed was empty when the alarm's screeching tore Eren from sleep. It wasn't even seven in the morning and the coolness of the sheets beside him made it appear that Levi hadn't been there for quite a while. Instantly, guilt swelled in Eren's chest, feeling as if he failed his partner completely. He shot out of bed and bolted to the living room, hoping that he'd find the short raven sprawled on the couch watching TV, but the house was empty. Back in the bedroom, Eren hastily pulled clothes on and was out the door in a heartbeat, with the car keys in his hand.

If it had been any other day, Eren would have had to take many guesses as to where Levi was, but it was that particular day that made it clear to him. He could only hope that he'd make it before it was too late.

Neither knew what to expect when the date reoccurred. As the months drew on and the dreaded day came closer and closer, Eren felt Levi become more on edge. Levi swore that he was fine and that he was taking each day as it came, but Eren saw the difference in his husband. The most notable change was the weight loss due to Levi's lack of appetite. It wasn't that Levi was purposely skipping meals; his mind was just more preoccupied on other things and he simply forgot to eat. Each morning, Eren made sure to pour a bowl of cereal or throw some bread in the toaster before he left for work, leaving a note as a reminder for his partner.

A week in advance of Levi's traumaversary, Eren prepared a self-care kit for him. He was aware that it was something that Levi should have put together, himself, however, as the days passed, Levi slowly became less and less of himself and eventually, he seemed only to be a shell. Eren figured he knew Levi second best.

The night before, Eren pampered his husband. He drew a hot bath and poured him a large glass of wine. He was positive that Levi knew what he was doing, but acted oblivious to it. After the bath, Eren then treated him to a soothing massage with Levi's favorite scented oil. Once he felt Levi's muscles relax, he placed a chaste kiss on the nape of his neck, leading to more intimate kisses from his throat to his jawline.

To be completely honest, Eren wasn't entirely sure of how Levi would react to his advances that particular evening, but he gave it a shot, hoping that Levi would allow Eren to show him how much he loved him. Not very surprisingly, Levi shoved Eren's face away and curled up on the other side of the bed. Since the attack, Levi's libido had been rather sporadic. Some nights were spent with wild sex brought on by Levi, and others were spent simply cuddled on the couch with a blanket while watching some cheesy romantic comedy. There was the occasional night where Levi detested any touch whatsoever, and those nights were spent with him locking himself away in their bedroom, leaving Eren with the couch.

Eren couldn't say he necessarily understood, however, he did his absolute best to respect Levi's boundaries and learned to go with the flow of things. Levi's therapist mentioned that all assault victims are different: there's no way to predict how one will act after being put through such trauma. She suggested that Eren live days, one by one, being there to support his lover and that in itself will help Levi.

He pulled out of the driveway, and once the car was on the street, Eren slammed his foot down on the gas pedal. The screeching of the tires probably should have worried him, but there were more important thoughts racing through his head.

The little pestering "what if's" refused to leaving him alone. What if he'd been there with Levi? Surely no one would have pursued Levi if he was with him-there to protect him. What if Levi had waited just an hour more before going out, then the disgusting excuse for a human being wouldn't have been there, right? What if Levi didn't require having to go all the way to the bad area of town for a single loaf of bread, claiming it was the only kind that didn't have insects in it?

No. What happened wasn't Levi's fault. Eren felt the need to slap himself beside the head for ever thinking that any of Levi's pain and trauma came from Levi's actions. How dare he put any blame on his best friend when he was suffering so badly. Sighing, Eren understood that he could never understand what Levi was going through and how he felt inside. He cursed himself for ever thinking such a horrible thing.

Navigating through the streets of their town, Eren pondered what exactly he would say once he found his husband. Should he tell him it was going to be okay? Should he tell them that it was okay to be feeling whatever it was that he was feeling? Should he just shut up and be there for him? He pulled into the parking lot of the obscure grocery store and decided that he would say, or not say, whatever felt right.

His heart beat so fast as he rounded the building of the store, he feared it would leap right out of his mouth. Approaching the corner to the alleyway separating the grocery store from the building beside it, a small thought reached Eren's brain. What if Levi wasn't there as he expected? He had no other idea of where his partner could have gone.

Thankfully, he didn't have to think too hard. A little down the alley, a figure crouched next to a side entrance door. Slowly, as to not startle Levi, Eren walked over to him. "Levi?" He murmured. At that moment, gentleness was key.

When Levi didn't respond, Eren slid down the brick wall and sat next to him, only an inch separating them. "Levi...are you okay." Levi's legs curled up against his chest with his arms wrapped around them and his chin rested on his knees. No expression appeared on his, very noticeably sunken and pale face. He just blankly stared at the concrete in front of him. That was the Levi Eren disliked seeing the most: the shell of Levi. There was no sign of his soulmate in front of Eren. The carefree man who laughed at the simplest things like toilet jokes wasn't there. In its place was the broken and defeated being, and Eren's chest ached seeing his lover so gone. His gut swelled with the sadness that overcame him. Biting his lip to stop it from trembling, Eren couldn't help the tears that came to his eyes and steadily streamed down his cheeks. "Can I hold you...please?" He gasped.

As soon as he saw the slight nod of Levi's head, Eren closed the tiny distance between them and slung his arms around him. His shoulders shook with each sob that wracked his body. "I'm so sorry, Levi," he cried. "I'm so sorry. What can I do? What do I have to do to make you better? I'll do anything."

Levi turned his head and Eren was surprised to see his eyes watering as well. Pulling one of his arms free of Eren's grip, Levi delicately placed his hand on Eren's cheek, wiping away a tear with his thumb, whispering, "Nothing."

Eren reached his hand up and put it over Levi's. "No, don't say that. Tell me what I can do. Please!"

Resting his head on Eren's shoulder, Levi pecked Eren's neck with his lips. "I don't know what to do, Eren," he weeped. "I don't know what to do. I just don't...I don't know what to do. Fuck," his voice cracked. "This fucking sucks."

Eren sniffled loudly before kissing the top of Levi's head. Levi wrapped his arms around him, while silently crying into his neck. They both were well aware that if anyone were to walk by them, they'd appear to be a couple of fools, blubbering in the alleyway at seven-thirty in the morning, but at that moment, Eren didn't care one bit. All that mattered to him was Levi and his safety, and the place that they were in wasn't cutting it. "Let's go home," he sniffed. "You shouldn't be here."

Immediately, Levi shoved Eren to the side and returned to the position that Eren found him in, shaking his head, muttering, "No, no, no, no." Feeling the touch of his partner's hand on his shoulder made him jump. "No!" He shouted, tears still reluctantly falling down his face. Levi ordered, "Don't touch me." Eren's hands flew up in an instant, up in the air where Levi could see them. Focusing on the dirty ground, Levi said, "I can't leave until...until I figure out...why. Why this happened to me."

Shaking his head, Eren responded, "You can't do that, Levi, because there's no answer. You'll drive yourself insane before you find one."

"I'm already fucking insane, Eren!" Levi bellowed, catching Eren off guard. Voice shaking, he continued in a more quiet, but upset tone, "You have no fucking idea of what I have going on inside my head right now-what thoughts won't leave me the fuck alone."

"Then tell me!" Eren pleaded. "Please tell me! All I want to do is to be able to help you, to make you feel better."

Levi vigorously shook his head back and forth. "No. You'll send me away. You'll leave me if you knew."

At that, Eren through himself at his partner, cupping his face in his hands. "Don't you ever believe that. Don't you ever think that I'll leave you, especially after this. I love you so goddamn much, I can't even think of a day without you with me. Levi, I'm one hundred percent here with you and that's never going to change, no matter what thoughts you have in your head, okay? Please don't believe that I'll think of you as any less."

Levi wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, his head continuing to move back and forth, chanting, "No," over and over again. Eren waited patiently for Levi to calm down. He rested his chin on his shoulder and carefully rubbed his shoulder with his hand. After a couple of moments, Levi finally spoke up with a raspy voice, "I just want…I want these thoughts to go away. They won't leave me alone. They get so bad...like, what if it had been worse? Would I feel better for feeling so shitty all of the time?" He glanced up at Eren with anguish in his eyes. "Eren, please don't hate me."

Repeating the action Levi had done for him, Eren swiped away a tear with his thumb. "I still can't believe that you think that I can hate you. No matter what you say or what you do, I could never hate you, alright?"

Hesitating, Levi shakes beneath Eren's touch, which Eren doubts is from the brisk and chilly air around them. "These thoughts...won't...stop, Eren. I just want them to go away." His voice dropped to a quiet whisper. "There are times when I want to fall asleep and...not wake up."

Realization came to Eren's eyes. For the last year, the pain that Levi was going through was no secret, but it never came to him just how bad it actually was. It left him speechless. Levi didn't give him a chance to think of what to say before whispering, "I want...I want to die. I want the pain to go away...forever." His eyebrows wrinkled as tears squeezed from his scrunched eyes.

"Don't say that," Eren pleaded.

Levi snapped, "But it's true. I want this to fucking end."

Eren just pulled Levi closer into his embrace. "If you die, sure the pain ends, but what about the good things? You can't throw those things away, too."

Instantly, Levi shoved Eren to the side and stood up from the ground. He grabbed his jacket and pulled Eren up from the collar, pushing him up against the cold building. Eren didn't struggle as the concrete scraped his cheek. However, the knife pressed against the skin of his throat was slightly concerning. "Don't you fucking _dare _tell me what to do," he growled in Eren's ear. "You have no idea what I'm feeling and what I'm reliving every single goddamn day in my head. When you have to stand there, defenseless when some...some mother_fucker _corners you in the middle of the fucking day and puts a gun to your head, then you can tell me what to do. When you have to stand there and let some motherfucker pull your pants down and rip your boxers off, then you can tell me what to do. When you have to stand there, defenseless as some goddamn motherfucker shoves fingers in your asshole, saying that if you make a single sound, he'll pull the trigger, then you can tell me what to do. But you haven't, and I hope to God that you never fucking will."

Eren wasn't sure what was more worrisome, the knife to his neck, or Levi's frantic breathing. He must have paused too long, because Levi began talking again. "Are you afraid, Eren? Afraid that I'm gonna lose my shit and kill you? You shouldn't be. You know why?" He pulled the knife away and Eren couldn't help the breath of relief. "Because I'm weak!" He chucked the pocket-knife as far away as he could. "There was no gun, Eren. It was his knuckle, but holy shit it felt like a barrel was there. But it wasn't. I'm so _fucking _stupid. I could have fought back, but no. I'm weak!" Shouting, he threw a punch at the wall.

Suddenly snapping out of whatever trance it was, Eren grabbed Levi's arm, preventing him from punching the wall again, but let go when Levi hissed in pain. Confused, he stared into Levi's glossy eyes. Letting out a sob, Levi tore himself from Eren's grip, before shamefully staring at the ground. "What it is it?" Eren questioned. Instead of answering, Levi let out a sniff and slowly and carefully pulled up the sleeve of his sweater, exposing dozens of flared up scratches. That paired with his bloody knuckles, Eren decided, "Come on. Let's go home and get cleaned up, okay?" Levi pitifully nodded and reached for Eren's hand.

The car ride back home passed by quietly, with only an occasional sniff coming from Levi. Once inside, Eren made his way to the bathroom, plugged the tub and began to prepare a warm bath while Levi silently rested on the couch.

"Levi," Eren called into the living room, internally chastising himself for speaking so loudly when Levi jumped. "Come on, let's clean up your arm." Levi faltered to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet seat. He removed his sweater when Eren prompted him, refusing to make eye-contact as the scratches came into view. Eren gasped. He couldn't help it. The little red lines littered both of Levi's wrists, reaching up and past the junction of his elbow. "Jesus, Levi."

Tears began to fall once more. "I'm sorry," Levi whispered.

Eren rushed to correct himself. "No, no, no, no, don't apologize, baby. I'm just...shocked. But it isn't your fault, okay? None of this is your fault."

But Levi's lip continued to tremble. He hissed as Eren began to dap at the scratches with a damp washcloth, then wish a towel. A sob escaped him as soon as Eren finished applying Neosporin to his other wrist. "What's wrong?"

Levi sniffed, "There's more."

Grabbing his lover's hand and brushing his lips against the skin, Eren said, "It's okay, Levi. It's okay. Will you show me where so I can clean it?" Levi's lips pursed as his chin trembled. "It's okay," Eren reassured.

Levi began to peel his shirt off, pulling the hem up and over his head. The fabric only had to be lifted slightly to reveal the disaster underneath, and Eren gasped in horror, "Oh my god." The small scratches on Levi's arms held nothing in comparison to the cuts and gashes lining his hip all the way up to the middle of his torso, near his ribs. Those marks were not made with the same fingernail Eren assumed the scratches came from.

"I'm sorry," he squeaked. "I'm so sorry." He wasn't done, yet. Ignoring Eren's protest, he stood up and tugged his pants down, boxers following suit. Once completely nude, Levi put every mark he made to his body on display-the flared up scratches on his arms and the larger cuts graffiting along his side, past his hips, all the way down to his inner thighs.

Only Eren.

Holding back the sob that so desperately wanted to break from him, Eren stood from his kneeling position, guided Levi to the tub, and helped him into the warm water. Levi hissed from the sting of the water hitting his wounds.

Eren gathered the clothing from the tiled floor and through them into their wicker laundry basket in the bedroom. Levi hadn't moved once in the tub, sitting there with his legs positioned in a way to not stretch the cuts on his thighs, and his head lolled to the side. Once he grabbed a clean washcloth, Eren asked, "Do you mind if I clean those, or do you want to do it?"

"You."

Nodding, Eren began. He started dabbing the wounds on Levi's side with guilt eating at him whenever Levi flinched or made a pained face. The process went along quickly and smoothly. As he reached Levi's leg, he questioned, "Is this okay?" Ever since the assault, anywhere below Levi's waist, especially between his legs, was rather sensitive. When touched suddenly, it was common for him to be thrown into a flashback or a panic attack. Eren wanted to avoid both of those to spare Levi from any unnecessary agony.

"It's fine."

Only Eren.

"Okay." With that, he lightly scrubbed at the cuts, cleansing them of any germs. "What did you use for these?"

With no expression, Levi responded, "The knife."

"The one in the alleyway?" Levi nodded. "Do you have any more around the house?"

Shaking his head, he said, "No. That was the only one."

Eren nodded. "Okay." He continued cleaning the wounds on each of Levi's thighs, but Levi was becoming impatient. Eren glanced up at him to see that his eyes were scrunched shut and his mouth was curled into a snarl. Eren dabbed at one of the cuts, closest to his groin, and Levi whined, pulling his leg as far away as he could from Eren. "Hey, it's okay," he assured. "It's just me, Levi. We're almost done. I have one left." Hesitantly, Levi lowered his leg, allowing Eren to finish. Eren tried to ignore that Levi held his breath for the last one. "There. All done. Do you want to stay in here for a bit?"

Levi shook his head, stating, "I just want to sleep."

"Okay." With that, Eren grabbed one of the two brown towels hanging behind the bathroom door. Levi already unplugged the tub by the time Eren returned to his side. "I'll get you some clothes while you dry off." Eren did his absolute best to make it _not _sound like he was babying Levi, knowing that would only make his husband feel even worse about himself.

As soon as Levi was dressed and comfortable in bed, Eren said, "If you need anything, just say so. I'll be in the living room."

Levi's head snapped to the side. "Don't go." He reached his arm out. "Stay with me. Please."

His heart broke at the tone of Levi's voice. He'd never heard his lover sound so...weak...vulnerable...broken. "Of course." He tugged his jeans off so he only wore his boxers and his Tshirt.

Immediately after he laid down, Levi latched onto his side. "Thank you," he whispered into Eren's neck.

"For what?" Eren wrapped his arms around his lover and entangled their legs together.

"For putting up with my bullshit."

Running his fingers through Levi's hair, Eren responded, "First of all, how you're reacting to this isn't 'bullshit', it's normal. Second, don't thank me for something any decent human being would do."

"I just feel," Levi sighed. "I feel so...fucking gross. Like I'm not even me anymore. I feel dirty...and...and gross."

Eren kissed the top of his head. "You have every right to feel gross, but you have to know that _you _aren't dirty or gross. You're Levi. You're an amazing, strong person. What happened doesn't change that, okay? You can feel that way, but I need you to remember that what that bastard did doesn't change that."

"Yeah...I know. I'm trying. I'm honestly trying."

"And that's all that matters," Eren insisted. "All that matters right now is that you're here and you're okay. We can work with whatever's going on inside since you're here. If you're not here, there's no way for it to get better. And it will get better. I can promise you that."

"How? How can you can you promise that?" Levi's steel eyes bore into Eren's, demanding an answer.

Without hesitation, Eren answered, "Because you're the strongest man I've ever met. You can get through anything, this included. And I won't leave your side. Ever. We've been together for seven years, and there hasn't been a single thing that you haven't achieved in that time, Levi. You're going to get through this."

Levi began crying once more, no longer ashamed of his tears. "I'll try," he swore.

"That's all that you need to do and you'll do it. I know you will."

And he knew it was true. Levi was not the same as he was before the attack, and Eren didn't doubt that he'd ever be the same again, but he would improve, significantly so. He would get so much stronger-stronger so that he wouldn't feel the need to hurt himself or to take his own life.

That was what made Eren fall in love with Levi so quickly-his strength. With what happened just a year before, Eren put it in his head that it was some sick joke that the universe played on them. The human embodiment of sludge one would find at the bottom of a landfill picked Levi, because of his strength, or the universe put Levi in the wrong place because it knew of his strength. Something like that. Oh, he could just hear Levi saying, "_What the _fuck_, Eren?" _If he ever voiced that theory, but it made him feel a little better on the inside. If it wasn't Levi, it could have been someone else who didn't have the ability to overcome it. Deep down, Eren thought that Levi would feel the same. If he could bear the burden to prevent someone else from going through such trauma.

Of course, he wished it hadn't happened at all. He would never wish for such awful things to happen to his lover. He just knew that Levi would overcome it. He didn't know why he felt so strongly about it, but he knew it was true. Levi would regain his strength. It didn't matter one bit to Eren if they never had sex again, because he knew they'd find new ways to be intimate without disturbing Levi's comfort levels. No matter how long it took, Eren would remain by Levi's side.

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><p><em>AN: Hey there, friends! Sorry for taking so long to update. Aaaaaand sorry for such a...sad?...fic. Things have sucked lately, but it's starting to look up again, so that's always good!_

_I'm not sure if any of you have experienced feelings or reactions like this after trauma...but fuck. I can tell you that it sucks. I don't remember the date that I was abused, but I feel like this every...fucking...day. I need an Eren in my life :/_

_I am getting better at communicating to my closest friends when I starting to get down, though, so yay me! _

_Holy shit did you know that in 5 days, it's the 1 year anniversary of Charnelle? Wow. _

_Anyway yeah. thanks for sticking with me through the painfully slow updates. I hope you're all doing well!_

_-Em _


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